What is bipolar disorder exactly? Part 1 (Depression in mental illness)

I’ve been asked to make a post explaining what’s bipolar disorder, and explain the symptoms. Cause some people think they might have it. But this post shouldn’t be a reference and a diagnostic tool. Don’t depend on it. But if you wanted to have a better idea then I can help with that.

Now I’ll talk about the three different states and episodes of bipolar disorder which are depression, mania, and mixed episode.

First we will talk about the depression, I can only speak on behalf of type 2 of bipolar disorder, which consists of longer periods of depression than in mania. Example I can be depressed for 5 or 6 days in a row and manic for 3 days in a row its just an example cause I can never be able to determine exactly how long will I be depressed.

The depression symptoms I will mention now are common in a lot of different forms of mental illness not only bipolar disorder.

1- I don’t need a reason to be depressed, no need for a trigger at all. The feeling of sadness starts filling me up slowly as if I’m a cup and sadness is a black liquid pouring in me. And I feel in a state of confusion cause I’m sitting there trying to fix myself and make myself feel happy but I can’t find the sourse or the reason why I’m so down. And because I can’t find it cause it doesn’t exist (it’s just my serotonin being messed up) I’m not able to fix myself easily. Point is the depression comes with or without a reason.

2- Depression in bipolar disorder is scientificly worse than a normal depression. A psychiatrist in a conference explained it in an excellent way, he said that normal minds have barriers to protect them from negative feedbacks, negative situations, any form of a negative stress. That barrier brushes away those negative things before they pail up. Sometime they get to the person and it really affects them but the barrier comes up again fast and protects the person. As for someone with bipolar disorder there is no barrier that exist. We get affected by every little negative thing. We use so much energy to protect ourselves more than a normal person. We are more vulnerable, but I learned later in time, with some practice it’s possible for us to build our own barrier. But it needs so much strength and mind power. It’s really hard but not impossible.

3- Suicidal thoughts are extremely common in bipolar disorder, you’d think no one cares enough, or you don’t matter, or everyone is better off without you, or no one will notice you’re gone, it’s all wrong, but the mind is a dangerous thing, it can convince you of so many lies as if it’s all true and your mind will try using some memories as example when in fact they aren’t and you’d ignore every other memory where someone proved to you that you matter to them. It’s like in that state you can’t recall anything good in your life, as if all those memories were buried or never happened, your mind won’t let you remember them only the worst memories, the wounds, the scars you collected over the years. Like I said the mind is a dangerous weapon.

4- I don’t feel like doing anything, the things that used to make me happy or were fun are meaningless when I’m in the state of depression, my mind starts to attack me, I’d feel paralyzed with so much pain that my mind is inflicting. I can’t think straight, can’t think of happy memories, can’t remember the stuff that would make me strong, my mind becomes a fog and I’m standing at the center of the mist trying to find the doors that hold memories that can give me strength to get up and fight. The worse battles anyone can go through is with their own mind. It knows all your weakness and will use them against you, will convince you that your worst fears are already happening when they aren’t at all.

5- Sleep changes may also occur, either you struggle with insomnia or you sleep way tooo much. As for me I used to have insomnia but when I finally did fall asleep Id be asleep for a very long time. And so many nightmares everyday.

6- Your mind starts bullying you in a way that it makes you feel guilty about some stuff, or worthless, it makes you hate yourself so much that sometimes it can lead to self harm.

7- You’ll notice some physical changes, like you’ll either lose so much weight cause you no longer feel the pleasure in food, or you’ll eat so much both can be a sign of depression. Also loss of energy, fatigue, and you might feel sudden pain in your body but nothing shows by scan but sometimes depression weakens your immune system that you do get sick a lot.

8- Hearing so many voices in your head all yelling at you and making you feel horrible. The voices are just thoughts, but they’re so painful and loud that they sound like either your own voice is yelling at you, or multiple people all bringing you further down the pit.

These are just a few common symptoms of the depression side of bipolar disorder and also major depression, borderline personality disorder, clinical depression and so many other disorders. Basically a person who’s depressed can’t think right, can’t make a decision or a judgment on anything. They’re in so much pain and its overlooked or ignored. If you notice anyone with these symptoms try to be there for them, you don’t need to say the right words, your presence itself helps them so much, even when they push you away STAY. Thats when they need you the most.

Let me know if you have any questions, or if there is something I missed that you want me to talk about. Have a good day ๐Ÿ™‚


10 things no one will tell you about bipolar disorder

Things no one will tell you about bipolar disorder unless they are going through it too:

1- Sometimes Mania will make you think you’re in love or you have feelings for someone when you don’t. (How to make sure? If 3 months passed and you feel the same way still then it’s probably not mania)

2- Getting thoughts that just doesn’t make sense or it’s like someone else’s thoughts planted in your head. Like someone else inside you who’s thinking of them like stuff that can harm the people you love or make you feel horrible about yourself for thinking about them in the first place.

3- If you’re depression is bad, you might get a lot of nightmares to the point you’ll get used to them.

4- You’ll feel like you have a different personality you’ll get confused as which side is the real you, then you start questioning who are you really?

5- You’ll want to be manic or hypomanic, because you might feel people like you more when you’re like that also because that’s when you’re more creative and can create amazing things.

6- The right medication might help but mood swings will still be there slightly. So you still got to learn how to control and manage it.

7- You’ll have to change your medication a lot, cause it’ll stop working at some point or start causing side effects.

8- Self harm is common in bipolar disorder, depression and anxiety. Some people might not know why do they have the urge to self harm, but if you think about it, they are stuck in a body that tries to control them, how they feel and what thoughts it makes them think of. So self-harm is a way of trying to take control or even release stress. It is not a healthy way at all. Its addictive. There are other things that can be used which I’ll talk about in a different post.

9- You’ll feel lonely even if you’re surrounded by so many people that love you. It’s a different kind of lonely though, it’s the kind that no one will understand how it feels like or what’s going through your mind no matter how much you try to explain. But it’s not true though, it took me a while to realize that I really am not alone and there are people that know how it’s like. And maybe it’s better for my loved ones to be oblivious to what’s going on exactly. The only why they would know is if they are going through it too and that’ll feel worse.

10- You will say a lot of things you won’t mean, you’ll hurt people without meaning to, you feel like you’re just watching yourself speak but it’s not the words you put on your lips to use. That’s often in mixed episodes. And it’s not only when you’re angry, you can slip and say others secrets but it wasn’t intentional at all.

Let me know if you think I missed a few other points that I should add. Have a good day ๐Ÿ™‚

What to do when youre manic and hyper? And how it feels like?

Now for this post I’m gonna talk about mania. There is differnt sides of mania. So I’ll talk about the hyper talkative jumpy one,
The first sign you need to notice is your thoughtsโ€ฆ. Are they a lot? The way I usually describe it is it’s like 20 TV screens all different channels and all on loud volume. That’s how it feels when my thoughts are racing, crowded and loud. I can’t focus on one thing it’s hard. And I get so hyper, like I have tremendous amount of energy and I can’t sit still. I wanna do so much. Now when I feel that way it’s the perfect time to stay home and finish work, either work on the house or personal work. If it’s studies it’s a bit hard when you can’t focus, but you’re creativity is usually high in that mood so take advantage of it right. But always remember it’s not in control of you. You’re going through it ya but you can pull the car over if you really wanted to. You just got to first believe it and then find ways thatll help you calm down cause we all know that it’s all nice and fun but can become bad. What I do is I try to use up all the energy and focus on an activity that’ll drain it all. It could be building something new, painting a large canvas, working on photoshoping and editing a series of pictures. It’s important to stay busy and use mania only in activities. Keep one person or two that you trust around you. They have to be very understanding and know you well. Cause unfortunately we might say stuff we don’t mean or slip or about to do something crazy so keep someone there to protect you and help you think right and question your actions and thoughts. If you dont have anyone near you then what I did is I write these messages/notes to myself that’ll knock some sense into me, not to for example do something you’d regret like wasting all your money on shopping for things you think you need but you really don’t. Or going out putting yourself at risk meeting strangers without being careful. So leave notes for yourself to read. And remember to question your actions and thoughts. “I’m being too talkative, I can’t think straight but I feel great, maybe I’m getting manic right now, I’ll go ask my friend if she can come over and stay with me and let her know if she can’t I’ll use my canvas to throw a bunch of colors on it” by questioning yourself you’ll be one step ahead and won’t feel that you’re trapped or like you’re a hostage in your own mind.

This is not the only side of mania tho. There is more sides that I’ll talk about in the next coming posts. Have a good day and let me know if you have any questions about anything. I’ll try to help as much as I can ๐Ÿ™‚

Dear Me: A Lost Identity

Years of recognition, yet you wear a wavering face

A missing heart aching for a vessel to call home

You are a graveyard, a collector, a house of tombs

As I starve for death and life, you spit on my meals

A shared flesh, yet the demons were greeted

Bleeding ears praying for the tongues to die

A structured design of black and bones, a war zone

Who are you now?

A melancholy portrait?

A reaper hidden in darkness?

A ticking star?

A gun ready to protect?

I’ve adored you, I’ve despised you

Swallow my home in flames and I will become a heavy fountain streaming from the clouds

Take away the sun and I will become a radiant moon with a clean sky

Press your foot on my neck and ill still rise

We all have our demons, some scarier than the rest

And some hold a collection of masks to wear

Raie OY

This poem is a conversation with my negative dark side of myself.

Years of recognition yet you wear a wavering face (I’m addressing the dark side of myself and saying after all these years you still deceive me)

A missing heart aching for a vessel to call home (I feel like I’m not complete and I’m aching to be whole)

You are a graveyard, a collector, a house of tombs (Addressing the dark side of myself as someone who kills the good and vulnerable parts of myself and collects all the coffins)

As I starve for death and life, you spit on my meals (Why is it when I’m in pain you don’t make me feel better, you hurt me even more…Don’t we all hurt ourselves or at least or depressed thoughts do that)

A shared flesh, yet the demons were greeted (Aren’t we the same? sharing the same body? so why would you welcome depression in to our mind)

Bleeding ears praying for the tongues to die (My ears can’t stand the thoughts and horrible things you and depression keep saying)

A structured design of black and bones, a war zone (My mind is a war zone with just darkness and death, and the person who keeps dying bit by bit is me)

Who are you now?
A melancholy portrait?
A reaper hidden in darkness? A ticking star?
A gun ready to protect? (I’m talking to my dark side, asking myself who have you become? A portrait, a canvas of misery? A reaper that keeps taking my life away? an bomb ready to explode? or are a gun ready to protect me from harm?)

I’ve adored you, I’ve despised you (I have treated myself with kindness but I have also caused myself so much pain and for that I love and hate myself)

Swallow my home in flames and I will become a heavy fountain streaming from the clouds (Addressing my dark side of myself “Depression” and telling it that even when it tries to burn me with pain I will save myself and will shut it up)

Take away the sun and I will become a radiant moon with a clean sky (Take away my happy memories, my hope, and I will be the one to create new hope and make new happy memories, basically I’ll be my own savior)

Press your foot on my neck and ill still rise (Try to break me down as much as you but I’ll still get up and never give in to the darkness)

We all have our demons, some scarier than the rest And some hold a collection of masks to wear ( We all have a dark side, some worse than others. and some are deceiving and bag of different sides and faces to wear)

I wrote this inspired by a song called Dark on me by Starset. I think all of us struggle with ourselves, its normal. This was my way of expressing how its like with me.

Emptiness, numbness in bipolar and mental illness, what to do?

Hey guys, so in the previous post I talked about how to overcome an angry episode. It doesn’t have to be about bipolar by the way. It’s applied in anyone. Anyways so as I was saying questioning your mind, thoughts and actions is the best way to stay aware and alert. It won’t happen easily for some. Needs time and reminders.

So second example of my thoughts

  • I analyze everything, am I feeling empty? Why do I feel disconnected with my emotions? Let me give you an example of one of my thoughts (oh my friend is upset, I’m supposed to feel bad right? She is my friend that means I care about her, but why can’t I feel anything? I don’t know how to help right) So It’s part of bipolar and I guess depression too and other mental illnesses. It’s usually for a short time only. But for me I feel so empty and cold. I just lose all emotions towards anyone. It’s really bad because when I feel that way. I can’t tell how do I feel towards my friends or even family, do I care? Should I care? These thoughts start appearing. And it’s completely normal in terms of depression, bipolar or even borderline personality disorder. It’s just for a short amount of time and it’ll pass. You need to keep that in mind always in any bad episode that you feel stuck in itll pass that’s how it’s like with bipolar disorder. We are handcuffed into a roller-coaster and forced to go through its ups and downs. But we can’t live the rest of our lives upset about it, nothing good will come out of that. What we need to do is try to live with the roller-coaster and try to enjoy the ride as much as we can, knowing when will it go down and goes up and when you need to hold tight. If we keep freaking out and being upset about it how else can we manage it or notice the details of it in order to control it better? Now back to the emptiness, this is a tough one I ain’t gonna lie. When I feel that way I apologize to the people close to me that want to interact with me. Tell them I’m fine and I just need some time alone. During that time alone I just try to distract myself as much as possible by any activities. Reading, watching, working, anything really. If and only if the emptiness comes after a depression and you need to feel something. Then my only advice here is to cry. Hear me out, crying I believe is a healthy outlet. Pain depends to be felt, don’t keep it hanging or it’ll just hang around and never leave. So it’s hard to cry when you feel nothing. What I do is I go back and either talk about whatever depressed me or even try to trigger it by whatever makes me sad. It doesn’t make sense to some people I guess reading this. But the emptiness is horrible when it stays long, you feel absolutely nothing, no joy, no happiness, no hope, no sadness, no anger. It’s deafening! But it’s not gonna stay that way for long. It’ll pass.

I’ll continue with more examples of different thoughts and how to overcome them or at least what do I do. Take care and if you have any questions or anything you can comment below or send message in the contact page. Hope you have a good day and you’re doing alright ๐Ÿ™‚

I Am Not My Skeletons

If I unfolded the dusty box, will my face have a darker shade?
If I admitted for the sins committed, can you still smile when you call my name? I have changed, I have changed
Iโ€™ll beg and plead just look at me the same

Raie OY

The meaning of this poem,

If I unfolded my dusty box, will my face have a darker shade? ( If I told you about my past, will I look horrible in your eyes?)

If I admitted for the sins committed, can you still smile when you call my name? ( If I told you my sins and mistakes, will I look the same to you?)

I have changed, I have changed. I’ll beg and plead just look at me the same (I am not my past, I am not my sins, I have changed. just look at me the same)

I wrote this worried Id be judged. I was scared to open up. Scared I’d be judged for the skeletons, different flesh and bones, I used to be and I used to wear.

How to overcome an angry manic episode?

When you have bipolar disorder, or even anxiety and depression, the thing you learn is that your own mind should not be trusted. But what if I tell you that you can have the power to overcome your own mind? Simple steps, What you need to do and train yourself to do it is to question everything your thinking of and even question your actions. let me give you a few examples how……

Let’s start with my thoughts,

  • first thought (God! Im so angry! I want to make them pay for what they did. I don’t care that its been months or years they still need to feel bad for what they’ve done) Now thats a common thought in usually mixed episodes or mania, what I do is I question why am I so angry? what triggered it? Is it really reasonable to be this angry? It’s been years or months so why am I angry all of a sudden? That’s when you realize maybe you’re having an episode but you’re so angry you don’t notice. So after you realize that you’re not being completely yourself and your mind is a raging bear, then you need to keep yourself away from everyone or at least keep one person who knows exactly whats going on with you and is very understanding and can help, if they can’t and you don’t want them to, then at least keep them near you and warn them that whatever you’ll say isn’t really you. You need to explain that. Now, incase there isn’t anyone or that one person isn’t available then I can suggest a few things that helped me. If you can go out, go out only to run and jog by yourself, exercise by running somehow lowers the rage in my experience. Now if you don’t feel like going out or not able to, then there are other options, Write!! oh my god I can’t tell you how much it made me feel better to release all the angry thoughts on paper, if you don’t know what to write then for 5 minutes get a paper and write every single thought in your head doesn’t have to make sense at all, but just don’t stop not even for a second, keep writing. That’ll help. Also, there are other things, I like to save some stand up comedies for when I’m down or in a very bad mood. Music helps, some would like to listen to classic songs that’ll calm them down and some like me would listen to Rock music, why rock? Because it has so much emotions and they’re yelling it out and it somehow reflects on how I feel when I’m angry and it helps a lot. I’ll try to share some of those songs in an extra page for you to listen to if you want. Save series, movies and distractions that can take your mind away for a bit so it calms down. But before all that you got to question your thoughts and actions. You need to believe in yourself that you have a say on what you do when your angry and manic, you can manipulate your own mind, everyone can but you got to believe you can, don’t say I’ll try to fight. Make yourself believe that you can do it, that you can escape the bars your mind put you in.

I will be mentioning other thoughts and actions and ways to help, take care and let me know if you have any questions or if you want me to talk about something specific. Have a good day ๐Ÿ™‚